Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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