Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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