I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
