from now on my penis is your penis
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Mom said you looked used
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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