tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The air was thick with penises
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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