DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
