So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
