i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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