Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
