2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
