the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
