Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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