Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
