I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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