i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
