In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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