The best revenge is premature balding
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
