Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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