i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
