please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
