bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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