the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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