Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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