on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
