I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
