I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
