I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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