I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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