Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
