It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
