i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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