I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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