The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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