I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
