When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
