I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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