My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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