I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
