that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
