so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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