apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
