They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
