I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
