You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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