Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
