finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
