I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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