can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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