I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
