i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
