the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
