I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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