...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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