Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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