You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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