Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
