i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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