I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
