my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
is wine microwaveable?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
