He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
